I did a little reflecting tonight, a little inventory of where I am as opposed to where I thought I would be. The truth is there are a lot of things I have not accomplished that I probably never will. There are a lot of things I have not accomplished that I still might. The question is this: Does my life excite me? Am I happy? Would I trade this, what I have, for anything. This should be easy answers, right? Yes, Yes and No...... But it's not always so easy.
Question #1: "Does my life excite me?" I don't think this requires some huge explanation. The answer is no. I'm a mommy. I do mommy things. I clean house, I do laundry, I play school, I read children's books, I change diapers, I sing the itsy bitsy spider, I nurse my baby, I referee arguments, I cook meals, I fetch pacifiers, I locate loveys, I help with homework, I transport to school, karate and storytime at the library, I go to the grocery store, I kiss away owies, I take kids to the doctor, I tuck them in at night. I'm a mom - Day to day it's not exciting. The big picture, however, is thrilling. And there are a few very exciting singular events along the way:
Potty training (we had a HUGE success today)
First steps
First words
The first time they smile at you, I mean really smile...at you....because they know you are the mommy
All the firsts.....now that is pretty exciting.
Question #2: "Am I happy?" This should be an easy answer. Of course I'm happy. My kids keep me laughing, my husband is the greatest, I stay home and I mommy.....but I would be lying if I said that there are days when I wonder "what if......" Most of the time it's because I felt like the day was an epic failure, but somedays I can have a pretty good day and think "what if I was that 120lb. girl who owned a personal training studio, had no strings and could travel at the drop of a hat.....what if......"
Well....what if - the answer is this: 3 great masterpieces, works of God's art, would not be in my life, that's what.
Question #3: "Would I trade it?" Not for all the riches in the world. What I have found out in 33 years is that in any life there are ups and downs, highs and lows, riches and rags. No matter what life brings me, based on the day, I'm going to do one of two things:
1) Embrace it and give thanks for it, no matter what or
2) Complain about it, say I don't deserve it and ask why.
What is my hope for my next year? That I have more embracing and less complaining; that every day I see those 3 insanely gorgeous faces I think to myself "how can I make sure they know they are God's gift to me?" ; that I don't just see the silver lining and the rainbow, but that I also look for the pot of gold; that I see God in every moment of every second of every minute of every day and that I point him out to my babies every.single.time.
I'm a realist with big dreams and high hopes. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will continue to have days that are failures, but what I hope is that with each passing year I garner just a tad more wisdom and a smidgeon more acceptance of me.
Lord, thank you for another year and all the wonderful blessings of this year. Thank you for loving me through my failures and helping me see the excitement of my life. Help me to emulate You as a parent. Help me to love those babies through their faults and weaknesses and celebrate with them their strengths. Help me foster in them hope, dreams, love and acceptance of themselves. We are, after all, made in Your image. Help me know it, live it and teach it to my children. Help me to see them as the works of art that they are, precious works of art created by Your loving hand, especially for me.
Amen.
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